"Pet Jokes"

 

        Please contribute your favorite pet jokes 

Please email to marylou.carroll28@gmail.com

        
     Yesterday Randy and I were at our local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for our loyal pet, Jack, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

     I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

     Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

	1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
	2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
	3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
	4 Rottweiler: Make me.
	5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
	6 Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
	7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation
	8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
	9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
	10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
	11. Blue Heeler: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
	12. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take

to change a light bulb?

 

 

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
	'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS CATS HAVE STAFF!

WHY GOD MADE PETS

They help out around the house... 


They protect our children... 

They look out for the smaller ones... 

They show us how to relax... 


They 'converse' with each other

They help you when you're down... 

They have 'great' expectations. 

They are Patriotic. 
 
They are happy to 'test' the water. 

They love their 'teddies' 

They know who's BOSS. 

AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH! 

 

 

HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY????? 

It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward 

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW...... 

 

 

NOW PASS IT ON

AND MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE !!! 

 

 

 

 
   

TO:  GOD   

FROM: THE DOG  

 

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,  
but  seldom, if ever, smell one another? 

    

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?

If there  are,  will I have to apologize?

 

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?

  

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest  and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

 

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the  jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,  but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around?   

We do love a nice ride!

  

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.

 

What do  humans  understand?  

  

Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle"  the " Chrysler Beagle"?

  

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.       

 

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of  the things I must  remember to be a good dog.

 

         1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it  or  after they  throw it up. 

        2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,  etc., just  because I like the way they smell.  

 

        3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty  litter box,  although they are tasty.

 

        4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

 

        5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.  

 

        6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

 

        7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

 

        8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in  for Mom's driver's license and registration.

 

        9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 

 

      10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an  unacceptable   way of saying  "hello".

 

      11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when  I'm under the coffee table.

 

      12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

 

      13. I will not throw up in the car.

  

      14. I will not sit in the middle of the living room  and  lick my crotch when we have company. 

 

      15. I will not come in from outside and immediately  drag my butt.

 

      16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play  with  him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

 

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God:  

When I get to Heaven  

may I have my  testicles back?  
 

    A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

    As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
     Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that darn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

  Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?

I already KNOW whose it is!"

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. As he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    After nearly jumping out of his skin, the thief clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Stupid bird....who do you think you are?"

     "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus..."

      A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
     Sitting down at the typewriter, the German Shepherd types out 80 words per minute."Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time."There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual.

     A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.""How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied." I think it's printed on the bottom."

 "Happy Cat"

     A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.

     The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.

     God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

     A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

     The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.

     God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

 A Farmer and His Puppies

     A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer."I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

     "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up... "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
     With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."